By Guest Author: Tessa
Step away from the lawn mower. I repeat, step away from the lawn mower.
While 71% of man-made global carbon emissions that make up 3% of all global emissions (the other 97% occur naturally) are produced by 100 companies, and the world’s richest 1% cause double the CO2 emissions of the world’s poorest 50%, Auckland University Professor Len Gillman is coming for your backyard.
Whenever I read the words “findings from a new paper suggests” I think of the ‘Pigs in Space’ sketch where the Spaceship Swinetrek is on a suicidal collision course with a mysterious celestial object. You can see how that turns out at the end of this article.
True to form, the Intelligentsia at AUT have outdone themselves once again with their latest instalment of “Findings from a study” that reveal if you look after your lawn, you’re a shameful planet-murderer.
All this time you never considered that sprawling grassy park-grounds and your front lawn were actually silent killers, did you?
Well thank – *trigger-warning* – God Professor ‘Panic-Pants’ Len Gillman has discovered that any carbon your lawn is soaking up is negated by mowing, watering and fertilising. But there’s more. Not only are you committing environmental terrorism each time you wheel out the Masport, but you are also apparently acting on your latent imperialist tendencies. That’s right. Professor Len’s paper, entitled Calling Time on the Imperial Lawn, is the double whammy of wokedom.
The intellectual darlings of the Establishment are not even bothering to hide that their unhealthy obsession with Carbon-Zero really comes second to the continuing demonisation of landowners by gently seeding the public mind that yard maintenance is actually self-aggrandising behaviour imported by the evil white oppressor. This particular form of sabotage on the public psyche started with landlords, then farmers, and now almost comically, lawn-owners in general.
Professor Len explains:
“There’s a lot of history around how lawns came about and social ranking based on lawns all came from a UK heritage and I think it’s time we start to look to change that and look towards New Zealand’s nature and what does actually a New Zealand back yard look like.”
I can tell Professor Len what my New Zealand back yard looks like: whatever the fuck I want it to look like, because it’s mine.
His report also reveals the ground-breaking finding:
Mown grass is “ubiquitous and everywhere.”
So are bedwetting climate cultists. Shall we ‘call time’ on them? Frankly I think they are far more dangerous to the population than my lawn is, and so do experts like Bjorn Lomburg as discussed in one of his many books on the damaging effects of climate change panic.
Professor Len’s study also reveals that it is imperative that governing bodies put policies and incentives in place.
Of course it does. No doubt that’s why the research was done in the first place.
The 1News article continues:
Auckland Council said it can’t order people what to do in their backyards, but it can encourage them. “We really do rely on landowners and council to be involved in that overall aspirational goal, so retaining trees and planting more trees on private property is as important as council’s role of planting trees on council land.”
Yes we all know what ‘encouragement to do the right thing’ looks like in Ardernistan.
But hey – we all just need to calm down and understand that ripping up our lawn and planting trees at the behest of our Single Source of Truth and it’s informants, isn’t a big ask if it’s gonna save the planet (which it’s not). Just like it was no big deal to submit our bodies to medical roulette in order to stop transmission of the virus – for the greater good – right?
So folks, stay tuned to see what happens in this episode of socio-environmental ‘slut-shaming’. Will there be a lawn mandate? Will there be a fine? Or will they use the newly-minted Special Natural Area (SNA) framework to caveat your backyard until you “do the right thing”?
Or will the people wake up to the self-ascribed science-owners and power-brokers who continue to tap and wiggle out the blocks of liberty, in the continuing saga of Democracy Jenga.